Hollywood, show some more balls (and willies)

“It’s time to get real. Let the peen stand tall!”

Hollywood, we need to talk. We need to talk about one of your most malignant shames. It’s nothing new but for the longest of time you’ve had an aversion to showing the male member on screen in all its (questionable) glory. To the point where you’ve left your audiences wondering whether your male cast actually have members at all. Are you employing generally good looking eunuchs?

Grey Worm, the good looking eunuch in Game of Thrones

Thankfully we know your female cast members are anatomically in tact. Compared to your representation of man-flesh, you flaunt the flange as if it were the celebrity body part trend de jour.

It’s particularly head-scratchingly disturbing when a show like Masters of Sex which is all about the sexual research revolution neglects to show one single penis  - not even a flaccid one. Ok, so they showed  Dr Masters (Michael Sheen) with a morning glory but that was just fabric covered props. And we know Sheen really does have a penis because his girlfriend Sarah Silverman has revealed he calls it 'The Great Christine Baranski'.

And yet, it’s perfectly fine to depict Masters' female protagonist Virginia Johnson (Lizzy Caplan) completely naked because #femalenudityquota but leave Sheen's penis to the imagination. A climate of you, Hollywood perpetuating that male full frontal or MFF is one of your last taboos has led Masters of Sex creator Michelle Ashford to not want to push the envelope lest the show be accused of trying to make some sort of statement. A frank show about sex making a statement? Not in the penis department thank you very much.

Lizzy Caplan in Masters of Sex

Hollywood, we’ve reached a point where your problem has become beyond ridiculous. Recently, one of your bolder children, Sarah Treem creator of The Affair, decided to start off season two with a bang, daring to show a cast member’s junk – well a stand-in’s anyway - in the aftermath of a sex scene. Yes, a dangling dick and balls up close! Though you could be forgiven for missing them completely - they were shown fleetingly then quickly blurred out of focus like some saggy flesh coloured mass of plasticine. Really? How prudish do you think your audience is Hollywood? You, my cashed up friend are the prudish one.

The Affair's MFF blurred out like skin coloured plasticine

But fair suck of the (mostly invisible) sav, you have managed to, er, grow in recent years. In some respects your movie arm seems to be more progressive, allowing a handful of its bolder male stars to flop the peen around as if it were the end (or beginning) of the world. Michael Fassbender, we’re looking at you. And this year, the makers of the indie The Overnight went out of their way to make sure that MFF was more prominent than female.

"I feel bad for anyone that paid for the movie hoping for boobs," the film's writer/director Patrick Brice told BuzzFeed.

The cast of The Overnight

But in TV too there’s been progress, though only in cable and subscription streaming where the pushing of content boundaries is encouraged. You’ve gone from Hung, a show about a gigolo with a massive schlong which we never saw to the swords and sandals flesh-fest Spartacus where male cast members got their kit off with abandon. It was a regular sausage fest that threatened to balance out the female nudity. Black Sails also lets its cast members flaunt their Long Dong Silvers as did shows like Rome, Sense8 and occasionally, Boardwalk Empire and Orange is The New Black.

The Spartacus men were never far from naked abandon

But MFF is still the exception rather than the rule, the penis and scrote remaining somehow sacred. Which is kinda funny when you think about it. In all its veiny, scrotey, fleshy variations, it’s hardly the most aesthetically charming body part. 

Your most celebrated and globally popular offspring Game of Thrones has been practically eviscerated for not being gender-equal in its depiction of the pink and hairy bits and rightly so. In a time when premium cable TV shows are at the vanguard - especially those that hit peak pop cultural exposure - GoT should be setting an example. God knows it has plenty of opportunity to. Next season during one of the common ‘sexposition’ scenes, just mosey the camera on down to a willy or two.

Because if the world were just, for every showing of a female cast member’s boobs, bum and below-the-equator would be an equal showing of a male’s bait and tackle. It’s only fair because if the show’s creators are going for reality (though reality is subjective when your show features dragons, direwolves and White Walkers) it’s more than a bit rich to keep the peen off screen.

Fans of GoT want more MFF. Back in April Anna Kendrick tweeted what seemingly many are thinking:

And the cast wants it too. Carice Van Houten who plays witchy woman Melisandre told The Daily Beast:

“Nudity should be equal because we’re showing real life. I think it’s still quite a taboo to see a penis, and if you’re showing reality, then I wouldn’t mind seeing reality,” she said. “I think it would be good to show the male body more frequently to take away taboos about sexuality. A breast is something that your mother has, and a penis is something that your father has. It’s the human body!”

Hodor reveals Hodor the Smaller

Yes GoT has had a few attempts at male full frontal but Hodor’s considerable dong turned out to be a prosthetic and Theon Greyjoy’s a one time only deal - it was later lopped off. And it’s not as if a swag of GoT’s male cast aren’t up for dropping trou. DeObia Oparei who plays Areo Hotah is. I asked him recently why showing a penis on screen is still such a taboo in this day and age. And Hollywood, listen up - his rapid response is telling.

“Because Hollywood is male and our culture is patriarchal,” he said. “Women have been objectified by men in our patriarchal culture so that follows then in our cultural pursuits, in our art. It would be great for that to be changed because I think it’s exciting having men who are objectified too, except that within the realms of patriarchy that is not seen as masculine.”

GoT's DeObia Oparei is up for it

So Hollywood, while you insist on setting the camera to ‘Heterosexual Male Gaze’ no great leaps forward will be made. I’m not asking for throbbing erections. Lordy no! That would be porn! (Although you could learn something from the porn world’s lack of prudishness). But it’s time to get real. Enough of the Ken doll genital invisibility. Let the peen stand tall! Or at least dangle pathetically. Just take it one flaccid, overtly visible step at a time. It’s called progress.